Sedona and The Grand Canyon


Just an Arizona girl doing Arizona things for 2 days. I took a much needed mini vacation and visited Sedona and the Grand Canyon. It is about a 5 hour drive from where I live and it was totally worth it.

Living in a pandemic is exhausting and I have no idea how people are traveling daily without feeling paranoid. The biggest con about this trip was definitely the many safety precautions I had to take. I love those people who were wearing their face masks and taking this pandemic seriously but I wanted to punch those who acted like nothing was happening in the world. Anyways, I’m not here to rant and talk about the stupidity of people, I just want to share these pictures.

Sedona, Arizona
Sedona, Arizona

Personally, I loved Sedona a lot more than the Grand Canyon. Don’t get me wrong, the Grand Canyon was truly amazing but I had more fun in Sedona.

Grand Canyon National Park

After visiting the Grand Canyon, I came back to Sedona to do some wine tasting at this beautiful vineyard. I regret not buying a bottle of white wine – 2018 Dos Padres Malvasia Bianca. I swear this white wine is perfect for those who prefer reds like me. Speaking of reds, this winery has an amazing Grenache, 2017 Colibri Grenache. I have added these to my list of favorite wines, which you can see by clicking here

Cornville, AZ
Page Springs Cellars

Page Springs Cellars

That’s all I have for you. I hope you all enjoyed your weekend!!





Part Two

I have lost count of how many times
someone has broken my heart.
I always blame myself for it.
It is like I have some
dysfunctional personality,
and that is why they leave me.
But once upon a time,
I met an extraordinary woman,
she was supposed to be different.
I had built walls around me,
I did not allow anyone to come in
for so long until her.
Every inch of my soul thought
she was the one.

We fell apart so quickly
but I was already in love.
The heartbreak still haunts me.
I spent the night crying in my living room floor,
I placed my hands on the top of my chest,
I felt my heart beating so fast.
I was screaming of emotional pain inside
until I finally fell asleep.
The next day was the worst.
I felt nothing but rage.
I was vulnerable, I let this
happen to me. Out of all the
heartbreaks, I don’t want to
experience one like this again.

For Part One “First love, first date” click here

First love, first date


Part One

So cliché, I felt butterflies in my stomach.
It was our first date after months of not seeing your face,
It was around evening when you picked me up.
We decided on Latin cuisine for dinner
to catch up and share stories about our summer.
All evening I kept asking myself,
how could someone be this breathtaking?
Your beauty had me under a spell.

I spent the morning at the farmer’s market
looking for the most colorful bouquet,
then rushed to the wine store near my place
to pick out a fancy bottle of red.
Being the romantic that I am,
I set your flowers on my living room table
along with the wine bottle and two glasses.

I wanted to surprise you after our dinner date.
You loved the flowers and you loved the wine.
We spent the night talking and laughing,
we were really connecting.
I dared to kiss you after my second glass of wine.
Kissing you was like experiencing magic,
addicting and electrifying.
At the end of the night,
I knew I wanted to be with you.

The Reasons I Seek Self Acceptance


I wrote a nice list of New Year’s resolutions and goals for 2020 just like everyone. Of course, I didn’t meet any of them but Acceptance was the biggest thing that stood out in the list. For instance, I wanted to get accepted to the doctorate program, I wanted my mom to finally accept my sexuality and I wanted to accept myself. The first two didn’t happen, I need to move on and keep moving forward. However, accepting myself is something that I can still achieve. Probably not in 2020.

At first glance, I didn’t really understand why in the world I wrote “self acceptance” as a new year’s resolution. Like what does that even mean? Well after a week of self loathing and people disappointing me, this notion of self acceptance makes sense. Here are my reasons.

I need to stop seeking validation

I seek validation from the people close to me. It makes me angry and sad when a friend, family or someone I am dating doesn’t accept me for who I am, which includes all the good and bad parts of me. My low self esteem wants recognition from others because what I think of myself is pretty awful.

Accept that not everyone agrees with my choices

Okay, let me go back to my mom not accepting my sexuality. Yes, this upsets me the most because my mom is the only close family I have. The fact that she doesn’t accept that I’m gay and I can’t share that information with my homophobic family is emotionally stressful. I get it, I’m an adult and I’m allowed to do what I want and be who I want and love who I want. I have a hard time accepting that some of the people I love disapprove of my lifestyle choices and decisions. I hate disappointing others as much as I hate disappointing myself. Nonetheless, I need to stop caring about other people’s opinions of me and focus on my own journey.

Accept my body image

I don’t really want to say much about this because I plan on discussing body image a lot more in the next week or two. I’ll just say that I am close to accepting my body image but I still have some issues I need to work through. You can read more about this topic by clicking here.

Stop comparing myself to others

I can’t say this enough. I swear if I could stop comparing myself to others and accept my uniqueness, I would be a much happier person. Why do I care if someone I barely talk to is doing better than me in life? Why am I not happy for my friends succeeding because I’m not succeeding? This comparison game has only filled me up with so much anger. It’s unhealthy.

It all comes down to self esteem. If I think I’m a garbage person then I will never accept myself for who I am. I will always try to find happiness, validation and fulfillment from people, things and places. I have many inner wounds to heal before I can fully accept myself.

I really just wrote these reasons to have a perspective of what is getting in my way of self acceptance.

What are you all trying to work on? Inner peace? Better self esteem? Self Acceptance? Let me know in the comments.





I want to crawl out of my skin,
wishing I lived near the ocean
where clear blue waters
will carry my burdens.
Feeling emotionally numb
but also panicking,
how is that possible?
I have no answer. Imagining
I could undergo a metamorphosis
from sad woman to free bird to
fly far away from this monstrous
anxiety and emptiness
that consumes me.

Letting Go of Toxic People In Your Life


If I have learned anything during this pandemic is the difference between genuine friendships and fake friendships in my life. It is so important to have people that show they care about you and you never feel like you’re begging for their support and attention. I’m going to briefly discuss why having toxic people in your life such as family, friendships or relationships are destroying your well being even if you don’t want to recognize it. I’ll give you my own examples.

Toxic Friendships

Let me tell you about what happened this weekend that triggered me to write this post. Someone I considered my friend got married this weekend and I found out through another person’s social media. I knew she got engaged a year ago but now I find out an entire wedding reception was held and I wasn’t even told about it. I felt left out because I thought after all our brunch and dinner dates, showing up for me and always willing to hear me out that I mattered to her. I got it all wrong.

It is safe to say that I only have 3 real friends now and the others I have removed from my life. Listen, I do a lot for my “friends” and I am always the one trying to reach out and make a connection. I get that we are all busy but I think it is nice to know that you matter and feel loved in the friendships you invest in. To add, just because a friend does not gaslight and manipulate you does not mean they aren’t toxic. If you feel like you can’t trust them and something doesn’t feel right then you can do yourself a favor and cut them off. It’s for your own good.

Toxic Family

I don’t care if you are related to them. If they bring you down, they insult you, lie to you, and you feel like your worst self around them then goodbye to that family or family member. I didn’t grow up with a father but whenever he and his whole family did reach out to me, it was an emotional game. His family would make so many promises to me and break all of them and my dad was no less different. He was in and out of my life so much that it only broke my heart. My toxic relationship with him and his family really affected my mental health, which you can read about by clicking here. I blocked all of them when I was 19 and it was the best decision I made for my well being.

Toxic partners

Eliminating someone I really like is the hardest thing to do for me because I am such a hopeless romantic. I have this illusion that our relationship is going to go well until I start getting neglected and gaslighted. I am a magnet for toxic women and I really want to understand why, someone help me haha. I already wrote a blog post My Love Lessons explaining why I had to let go of my first love. It is not fair for anyone to feel empty, worried and exhausted in a romantic relationship. It is simple, if it doesn’t feel healthy then let it go before it gets worse. I know, easier said than done. I hope you have the courage and strength to leave and heal from it.

There is so much going on in our lives and we don’t need toxic people to add more emotional stress on our plate. I don’t know if you need to hear this but please remove anyone or anything that gets in the way of your healing and inner peace.


Cloudy mornings


Cloudy mornings,
there is something so
comforting about them.
Sitting outside,
sipping a cup of hot coffee,
listening to the light thunderstorm,
I truly welcome this moment.

Cloudy mornings,
it is not always this way.
Feeling the emptiness,
drowning in sorrow,
trying not to cry out loud,
I truly despise this moment.

How Personal Experiences Influenced Writing Poetry + Short Stories


I was thinking about what to post this week and I thought it would be interesting to talk about the personal experiences that have contributed to my poetry and short story writing. Before I begin, I should warn you that some of what I am going to share is pretty dark.

This is actually the second time I create a blog and the first one I made was about 5 years ago. I did delete the first blog and I regret it because I wrote so many posts about my struggles with my eating disorders and my life as an exchange student. I couldn’t keep up with the blog and I don’t think I had any followers because I kept it private.

Short Stories

I started writing short stories in France because blogging wasn’t enough for me. I needed to create a narrative about what was really happening to my mental health living in a foreign country for 5 months. I didn’t want to talk about my sadness with family but I felt like I needed to let out the bad feelings in a creative way. I went to the bookstore and I bought colored pens and a thick journal to write, write and write. My short stories were about how beautiful my life looked to other people even though at end of the day I felt empty, alone and unhappy. If I wasn’t writing about my unhappiness, I was writing short stories about my love life and dealing with a narcissistic human during that period. The reason I never shared my short stories in a blog or talked about my sadness with my family was because I was ashamed. Do you realize how crazy it would sound to them that I was depressed while living abroad? You can’t make your problems disappear with accomplishments or by leaving the country.


I finished my B.A in Italian Studies in Orvieto, Italy by taking an independent study course on Modern Poetry. I was very happy to be there because I loved the language and culture and I lived with a lovely Italian family. I mean, what could go wrong? Umm…everything. My honey moon phase lasted for a whole week. The second week was the beginning of my mental chaos. I cried almost everyday either in the morning or before bed. I felt empty, the same feeling I had in France and I couldn’t understand it. After that summer abroad I would be going to graduate school. Everything was going well so why was I miserable? I expressed those feelings through poetry. I was assigned to write one poem a week by my professor. This was the first time I wrote poetry and I truly enjoyed transforming my emotions into art. I liked being transparent and I know what I wrote was heartbreaking but it was the way to escape my misery.

I never planned on sharing my poems in this blog but I recently found a word document with poetry from almost 3 years ago. They were the ones I wrote in Italy and also about coping with a traumatic experience that same summer.

Since I’m currently in the process of healing and finding peace then I need to do the things that have helped me in the past. I wrote this post not only to share my experiences but to tell you how important it is to have an outlet for your feelings.



Related Posts

Body Mind Soul Cleanse

Drugged with Sadness

Triste Bellezza – Sad Beauty

Feisty Feminine Feminist


If it isn’t obvious already, I am very passionate about feminism and lgbtq rights and I introduce myself as a feminist to people. Believe it or not, I have gotten in some arguments with ignorant people that get mad at me for being a feminist. It’s like “Um no, I don’t hate men and yes, I am a lesbian,” but feminism is much more than just women’s rights.

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

I need feminism in my life because I am a Latina woman, I am gay, and I want to feel empowered. I know that I deserve to be treated as an equal, all of us do. Even my mom has argued with me about being a feminist, which makes no sense because she is the reason I am passionate about this. I had to explain to her that feminism is supposed to be inclusive to all sex, class, gender, race and age etc. But I think the word “feminism” would not have such a bad reputation if people were willing to understand the importance of intersectionality, equality and system of oppression.

I have mentioned that I grew up learning the social norms of my Mexican culture as a young child. However, my mother has always been an independent woman that overcame many financial and emotional struggles to accomplish her goals. She is my role model because she has taught me to stand up for what I believe in and I learned from her that women can have it all. Unfortunately, as a teenager I was extremely appalled when I was told that it would be difficult to achieve certain goals because of the fact that I am a woman. My grandpa never allowed me to play with my male cousins because I was too “fragile” and “sensitive” (machismo). I couldn’t explore my own sexuality because I was expected to love and marry a man. If you’re curious to know how long it took me to come out due to family and culture values click here and read this post.

I hated listening to these absurd misogynistic comments and pretty much anything you can think of pertaining to women. My mother and grandmother are the strongest people I know and at the end of the day I look up to them. They never stayed silent or made excuses to not strive for success despite their difficult circumstances such as race and class. As a daughter of an immigrant mother, I want to empower women from all different cultural backgrounds to meet their professional and personal ambitions. Furthermore, I aspire to be a role model for those people who feel misrepresented in their communities and encourage them to stand against gender inequality and racial oppression.

I hope this post gives you a better understanding of who I am and what motivates me in life. Further, as a literary scholar I do plan on sharing some of my previous work on feminism and gender theory in literature in the near future!



Meditation and Dance for healing


I have been feeling a bit upset and angry in the last few days because of something that happened over the weekend. Since we are in a pandemic, I’m sure I am not the only who is struggling emotionally in some way. Therefore, I am sharing how meditation and dance has been effective in helping me release the negativity and toxicity.


I am kind of new to the art of meditation but I think it helps tremendously. My yoga instructor always encouraged meditation years ago to control my anxiety attacks but I never really did it. I like to meditate outside in the morning feeling the warmth of the sun and listening to the birds chirping. I start by inhaling and count up to 5 seconds and exhaling for 7 seconds. I do this until my mind is quiet, clear thoughts. In my morning meditation I inhale/breathe in all the positive energy and exhale the toxic energy that is not good for me. Before bed I make myself a cup of tea and dedicate my meditation to my loved ones by sending them good thoughts and then I honor myself. I am not an expert so I found some helpful meditation techniques to get started, click here to see them


Dancing is very therapeutic and a great tool for releasing tension and stress in a healthy manner. I love dancing to relaxing and soothing music. I close my eyes, move my body and feel the rhythm. It’s only 15 min of dancing that make such a big difference in my day. Just how yoga helps us connect with our bodies with poses and breathing, I use dance to connect with my body. There is something so special about how physical movement makes us feel good, I love that!

I already posted about the daily activities that keep me sane but I think meditation and dancing is something I never spoke about. I just wanted this post to be a quick reminder about how important it is to let go of the bad energy. You deserve inner peace and healing.





Trying to describe the sadness I have to defeat

My prison is called misery,

I have the key,

I escape.

My peace vanishes again,

back to my prison

in hell.

My Love Lessons


I didn’t plan on writing anything today but I am feeling grateful for the amount of love I have in my life despite the heartbreaks and break ups. I want to keep this short and write out my love lessons.

1. Sometimes you can only love someone from a distance

I never understood this until now. Once upon a time I fell in love with a beautiful girl and we dated but things ended. We didn’t talk for a year until she reached out to me out of nowhere. I wanted to give us another chance and I did. I thought she changed but still kept playing with my feelings and I cut off communication for good. I have never stopped thinking about her but I know that I can only love her from a distance to protect my heart.

2. Don’t look for romance, let it find you

I know this is so cliché but it is true. A year ago I stopped looking for any romantic relationship or connection but I met someone I really liked and we dated. Unfortunately, we stopped seeing each other. The point is just don’t look for romance and see how life surprises you.

3. You are worthy of unconditional love

I was told that commitment and love wasn’t for me because I struggle with my mental health. Let me be clear: I don’t care who you are but you deserve healthy and unconditional love from your partner, family, and friends. Remember that your struggles don’t define you at all.

4. Love doesn’t have to be a person

Love can be something you are so passionate about.

5. Listen to your sixth sense, that gut feeling

You know what I mean, that feeling in your gut and uneasiness you feel with this person, listen to it. If something doesn’t sit well with you, that’s a red flag and you need to leave. I have gone through this too many times and now I know my “sixth sense” is correct.

6. Love yourself

OH MY GOSH, PLEASE JUST LOVE WHO YOU ARE. This is what I am currently trying to do by healing my wounds and finding peace. Be grateful for the support and love you have from your family, friends or partner. If they love you then why don’t you love yourself? I can’t even imagine how much more I will enjoy life once I fall in love with myself 100%

Okay, that’s all I have for now! Feel free to tell me what lessons you have learned when it comes to love!



My 10 Day Body, Mind and Soul Cleanse


For the last few months my mood swings have been out of control. I have been feeling heartbroken, angry, sad, envious, and unworthy.

I started becoming jealous and envious towards my friends who were succeeding and getting job opportunities. I was focusing on why everyone was doing “better” than me and hating myself for it. I was so emotionally exhausted that I became physically tired and not sleeping well at night. Finally, I decided that it was necessary to do a 10 day body, mind and soul cleanse. Here is a description of mine.

Body: Nourish the body with delicious & healthy food, drink herbal tea before bed, yoga, power walks, dancing.

Mind: Write poetry, read 2 books a day, no social media except blogging, live in the moment, write a list of goals and how I plan to accomplish them.

Soul: Meditation, create a gratitude list, spend more time with family, more time outdoors in nature, journaling to avoid negative thoughts, write out positive affirmations.

In the first 3 days of my cleanse I felt more energized. My skin cleared up and my sleep improved. Writing poetry and reading books (analyzing too) about feminist criticism, theory or literature reminded that I am a creative and very educated woman. I admire these qualities and no one can take them away. Meditation and yoga helped me quiet my mind, enhance self awareness and control anxiety.

I am not the best at journaling so I would write a list of gratitude, love letters for friends, and new goals. A year ago I thought I would be getting ready to start a PhD at UCLA, UW or Arizona in the fall. I thought becoming a professor was the only thing I was capable of doing, which is not true. If I got rejected it was not because I wasn’t good enough but perhaps there is more in store for me.

I created my mantra: I am capable of much more than I think.

My biggest issue is focusing on what others are doing. Why should I care? I need to prioritize my mental health and how I am going to accomplish what I want for my life. Instead of scrolling through social media, I took that time to research the curriculum of the international universities I want to apply for. Specifically, I am interested in the M.A for International Relations. It’s exciting to think I could be going to school outside of the country. I just hope COVID doesn’t ruin things for me.

What I got out of my cleanse are more activities to add to my daily routine. Prior to this I didn’t want anyone to talk to me because I felt like a toxic person. I knew I needed to take a step back and make a few changes. Lastly, I learned what will be useful in the future when I am feeling sad, hopeless and chaotic.

Hope everyone is having a nice week!



Feminist criticism – Women’s identity and Marital Gothic


It has been a year that I don’t touch any of my books but as part of my body, mind & soul cleanse I started reading again.

A year ago my former professor of Italian sent me a box of 40 books on feminist/gender theory because I love this subject and she knew I was applying for the Gender Studies PhD program. Again, I got rejected from the PhD programs and I am almost over it. Anyways, one of my readings for the week was from the box of books she gave me.

In the Name of Love: Women, Masochism, and The Gothic by Michelle A. Massé is an intriguing novel focusing on masochism and women’s identity within a psychoanalytic perspective. The novel introduces the key concepts of Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory such as trauma, regression, fixation, and the Oedipus complex to understand how the author will use these terms to examine the gothic heroine.

I am barely on the second chapter but this passage in the first one really caught my attention.

“In contrast, the heroine of Marital Gothic will always reawaken to the still-present actuality of her trauma, because the gender expectations that deny her identity are woven into the very fabric of her culture, which perpetrates her trauma while denying its existence.” (In the Name Of Love, 15)

Massé discusses a woman’s lived experiences and trauma in the Marital Gothic. We understand here that women are prisoners of gender while men benefit from the assigned gender because of patriarchy, the social order. The first chapter really emphasizes the idea of suppression of identity when the Gothic heroine becomes the “other” and has to abide by male authority. The women Massé examines want to be believe they will be loved like in their courtships and wedding vows. They expect to have a voice and freedom in their marriage but soon discover their reality: silence, passivity, and suppression. Rather than leaving their marriage, they stay – this is when the term Masochism comes in.

It’s a complex novel for sure and I am positive I missed a few details in the first chapter I wanted to share. However, I am very interested in these feminist and gender topics because of my previous literature & language studies and my personal experiences growing up in a Mexican family, machismo culture. I am not a big fan of psychoanalysis but I like how it is being used here. Also, I’m more into gender performance and transgender discourses but I thought I would read something different yet still in my area of interest.

On a different note, it was a lovely weekend for me and I hope this week brings more peace and less stress.



Love at first sight


Talking about how we first met

sensational like the moon and stars,
radiant like the yellow sun,
I swear she was perfection,
love at first sight.

Intoxicating like tequila and wine,
chaotic like the wild hurricane,
I swear it was unexpected,
the heartbreaking reality

Activities that keep me sane


These are the things I do to keep my mind and body feeling good. Call it self care or hobbies but it’s how I keep myself sane.

Running or power walks

I am a long distance runner but I got injured in May. I’m really stubborn and I still tried to keep running at least once a week but I was only making the problem worse and not healing. I’m doing my best to avoid running for a couple of weeks and go on power walks for the moment. Power walking is not intense like running but it is therapeutic because you’re still outside clearing out your mind. You just need a good playlist and you are set. I walk between 3-4 miles and finish with a 20 min core workout.

Weight Lifting

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

Weight lifting doesn’t even need an explanation of why it is amazing and boosts your self-esteem. Before quarantine I was deadlifting over 200 pounds but I don’t think I can do that anymore. I have equipment at home but it’s not the same as the gym. Anyways, this is the best way to let out anger and rage while also appreciating what my body can do!


I recently started practicing yoga again. I was 17 when I was introduced to it and I was taught by an amazing yoga and pilates instructor who became my friend. Yoga has been really helpful these days when I am feeling too sad and I need to connect with my body.

Cooking & Baking

French Tartiflette

I love cooking my favorite meals but I look forward to trying out new recipes and share with my family. If I had an intense morning workout I will probably bake chocolate chip cookies for dessert, I have a big sweet tooth! If you wanna see my favorite meal recipes click here


Writing poems and blogging has become my favorite activity. When I feel too overwhelmed, sad, angry or happy, I like to get creative and play with words and write a short poem. Blogging is just a great way to express my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, and knowledge.

I hope to add more to my routine and pick up a new activity like painting or play tennis!



Triste bellezza


Bella, testarda,
ragazza complessa
sono io,

cerco la felicità
ma l’oscurità
mi abbraccia

Sad beauty

beautiful, stubborn,
complex girl
I am,
I seek joy
but darkness
embraces me 




The wounded inner child


It wasn’t a good week but it wasn’t bad either. I didn’t spend my time on job applications as usual instead I was researching european universities with an MA program in International Relations. It’s pretty stressful because I don’t have any guidance for this. It is scary and uncomfortable thinking about pursuing another M.A so far away, which is a good sign because I will only grow and evolve.

Moreover, I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and things I’ve had to unlearn over the years. I am an only child raised by my mother and grandmother, my parent’s divorced when I was 5. I never had a real relationship with my father and I tried but it wasn’t healthy. He was a trash human being (died a year ago). He’s the reason I struggled with eating disorders + body image and why I have abandonment issues. I took an entire decade to have a good relationship with food and accept my body image but I’m still working on it.

I think I was 2 or 3

I was very lonely and misunderstood as a child and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to because I didn’t know how to open up. My mother worked all day while my grandmother picked me up from school. Sometimes I was left with a babysitter and I had one friend as a little girl. Elementary school was the most loneliest and ugliest I have ever felt. I was overweight and very shy and no one wanted to be friends with me. My teachers thought I had a learning disability because I had a difficult time understanding the material they taught me. I felt like a stupid girl and that’s why I hold myself to such high standards. I get upset if I’m not good at something I should be good at. In graduate school, I called myself the “weakest” one because that’s how I felt in the classroom from K-12.

I dedicated my week to analyzing my wounded inner child because I want to know why I hold so much anger, engage in self-loathing, why sometimes I look in the mirror and still have to convince myself that I am beautiful. I feel an emptiness that I cannot describe because it has always been a part of me. I want to heal from it all and I don’t want to feel like I am not good enough no matter how much I accomplish. I don’t like the term “self love” because I find it egoistic and selfish so I will say that I want to admire who I am as a woman.

Although it was painful to examine the saddest parts of my childhood, I was able to understand why I struggle with my well being. I took it easy this week by doing more yoga, trying new dinner recipes, baking chocolate chip cookies for my mom and grandma and talking to best friends on the phone. This week I felt like I did my best to identify my traumas and take care of myself.

I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy.



la canzone più bella del mondo


Per l’uomo più avventuroso, mío nonno

Tu sei un musicista, la musica che suoni.
Il suono armonioso della chitarra,
non c’erano testi.
La canzone era incompleta, ma ho ballato.
attraverso i vicoli in Francia,
I monumenti in Spagna,
le grida di gioia e tristezza in Italia,
di tutte queste avventure, ho scritto i testi,
la canzone più bella del mondo.


The most beautiful song in the world

For the most adventurous man, my grandpa

You are a musician, the music you play
the harmonious sound of the guitar,
there were no lyrics.
The song was incomplete but I danced
through the alleys of France,
the monuments in Spain,
the cries of joy and sadness in Italy,
in all these adventures, I wrote the lyrics,
the most beautiful song in the world.

Florence, Italy 2017

My grandpa passed away almost 8 years ago. He was adventurous at heart and tried to go on solo trips very often. His wildest dream was to go to Europe, learn new languages and I did that for him. He loved music and taught himself how to play the guitar.

A bit of tranquility


The week is almost over and I am happy about that. I have been feeling ok, not too anxious or overwhelmed. Adding yoga throughout my day has helped me tremendously. I regret that I stopped practicing it years ago.

I reached out to my former professor of Italian 3 days ago to complain about my life during the pandemic and that I’m in my midlife crisis at 26. I mentioned to her that I have been thinking about pursuing another M.A degree too. She offered some comforting words and of course, she asked me about what masters degree I would pursue this time.

I have noticed that every job I have applied for and that interests me is in the field of Foreign Affairs or the UN Women. I am very determined to lead and tackle on the social issues that impact a community, destroy gender inequality, and empower women and girls of all backgrounds to meet their full potential. To get to the point, I would pursue a degree in International studies. I would love to have a better understanding of global issues and international interactions between governments, organizations, laws etc.

This is what I have in mind now but if I were to get a job in any women’s organization or the UN Women without an M.A in international relations that would be excellent. That way I wouldn’t have to take out another student loan for school. It’s an excellent option getting another M.A, I call it my plan C incase everything else fails me.

Tomorrow I am finally getting out of the house and I have a day planned with my mom of walking around the mall and eating at a restaurant with outdoors seating to avoid people. I have been doing my best to stay home and safe but I am also driving myself crazy being stuck inside.

I am in love with my front yard. I take way too many pictures here. The tree had many white flowers but they all died 😦

3 things I learn after every social media cleanse


About 2 weeks ago I deactivated my Instagram account because I was getting a bit too overwhelmed by people’s posts and I didn’t want to connect with anyone. I usually deactivate my social media accounts like twitter or Instagram when I’m an emotional mess. However, every time I log off and disconnect from social media I am reminded again of a couple things.

Real friendships

I realize which friends think about me and check in often. I think I’ve only had 3 of my friends text or call me during my social media detox. Indeed, these are the friends I know genuinely care about me if they can put in the effort to connect outside of social media. My other “friends” can’t even send a “How are you” text message or give me a phone call but quick to like or comment on my pictures.

Lack of Transparency

If you notice, we post what is presentable and awesome to our followers on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. When have you seen someone be real about their life circumstances? struggles? depression? it’s not common because we don’t want to be seen as imperfect. I know I’m guilty of this on Instagram. I always like to be reminded that just because everyone is posting positive content and the best parts of their life doesn’t mean the bad and the ugly does not exist.

Mental Health

To repeat, I deactivated my Twitter and Instagram account because I desperately needed to take a mental break. My mood swings were are all over the place and in the last few weeks I found myself feeling envious of my friend’s posting about their success. I know how selfish and bad that sounds but I am only human. I’m envious because I am sad and still waiting for the next big thing in my life. I want to have that happiness and success my friends keep displaying on their social media. Aside from the positive content that made me envious, there was too much negativity online and I had no choice but to disconnect.

I have been in much better shape mentally this week than last. I am prioritizing my needs and clearing out my mind. I’m trying to focus more on my own journey to success and self love rather than envy or worry about what other people are doing.

I probably won’t reactivate my accounts until next week. For the moment, I am simply taking it easy and learning to heal my wounds.



Compulsory heterosexuality and Coming out


I found an old photo album in my room the other day. I started looking through some of my baby pictures and pictures from middle school and high school. It is crazy how much we change and evolve over the years but the biggest plot twist for me was my sexuality.

It is pride month and I came out to my mother a year ago so here is my “coming out” story and compulsory heterosexuality. Growing up in a Mexican family, I internalized the traditional gender roles of my culture at a very young age. I knew that I was expected to marry, become a mother, attend to men and be a devout Christian. You know what I mean, the typical machismo misogynist culture.

I was 6 or 7 when I tried to kiss my best friend but she pushed me away and told me that I can only kiss boys. In junior high, I had to pick a boy to have a crush on so I can have something to talk about with the girls. In high school, I was angry and mean to the boys in school for no reason. I remember yelling that I would rather join the convent than marry a man. I was raised in a hispanic community and there was no space to explore your sexuality because it was unacceptable.

In my late teens I had a huge crush on a woman, we were really good friends but I didn’t want to admit that I had romantic feelings for her. I suppressed everything I felt by going out with men I didn’t even like. By the time I was 21, I encountered a crisis with my sexuality again. I started googling articles like, “Signs that you’re a lesbian” or “How to know you’re gay,” I was in denial. I went to study abroad and I still found myself trying to avoid my attraction towards women. I mean I was in college and I lived an hour away from my family. I would tell myself I couldn’t be gay because it’s not supposed to be this way. I kept romanticizing life with any guy I would date but I couldn’t commit to an actual relationship.

At 24 years old I was living out of state and going to graduate school. I had the space to explore my sexuality and started dating women. I found a deep and comforting connection that I craved all this time. I felt free because everything just felt right. I fell in love, I got heartbroken and fell in love again.

After accepting my sexuality, I had to face my biggest issue…coming out to my mom. I hated lying to my mom but I was scared because my entire family is very homophobic. The conversations they’ve had about the LGBTQ community is disturbing. I came out to my mom the day before my graduation ceremony.

Picture this: I went to pick her up at the airport. I was driving and I said, “I have something to tell you,” and I immediately started crying, “mom I like girls, I’m so sorry,” and I couldn’t stop crying. She said “it’s ok, I don’t like this but it’s your life,” and my mom asked me if I have been with men before and then told me that I haven’t met the right one and I’m probably confused. It could have been worse. My mom didn’t tell any of my family and I appreciate that very much because that would be too stressful on me. She’s still in denial but I’m hopeful that she will accept it someday.

Overall, I am grateful that my friends support and love me. I am a proud Latina Lesbian determined to smash the patriarchy and you can expect more feminist – lgbtq+ blog posts in the future.

much love,


June 2019

Drugged with sadness


I didn’t plan on writing a post today but everything in my mind is too loud at the moment.

I felt extremely overwhelmed and sad all morning and it took me a few hours to feel neutral. I’ve had about 4 yoga sessions all week because power walks, running, and weight lifting hasn’t been enough for me to let out the anxiety that lives inside of me.

First of all, it has been years that I stopped practicing yoga. To be honest, the only reason I used to do yoga was for weight loss and to get my binge eating under control. However, it didn’t work out for me and I stopped attending yoga classes. Now, my body needs this movement to feel at ease because I am very exhausted of holding on to the pain, the disappointment, and anger that takes over me lately. I would say that my body is screaming and crying when I do yoga so that I do not have to cry. I am not completely sure if that made sense but it does make sense to me.

I am still waiting for something good to finally happen in my life. I am waiting to get a good well paid job instead of application rejection emails every single week. I am sick of unemployment and feeling like a failure. I am losing my patience and this waiting game is beyond stressful and I’m running out of strength. I want my success now because I am physically and mentally exhausted of waiting for what I deserve.

You know what I have to do tomorrow? Go for a run or walk, check emails to see if I got another job rejection, apply for another job, start researching universities abroad (maybe get another masters degree) because I don’t think I will get hired anytime soon.

Ugh, 2020 has been the worst year by far. Not only this pandemic but it has revealed to me that I do not have many talents, I lack major self love, and I am a very lonely person. I have always filled my emptiness with academic success or a job and I do not have any of those two right now.

Send me some good and healing vibes because I am going crazy. I hope next month is better but I keep saying this every single month.



Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Le due facce del cioccolato


Il sapore del cioccolato,
così dolce,
così ricco,

così perfetto,

Ma c’è cioccolato fondente,
così insapore,
così crudo,
così forte,

Quello è amore,
ma anche amaro
quando ti svuota

ENGLISH TRANSLATION – The two faces of chocolate

The taste of chocolate,
so sweet,
so rich,
so perfect,

But there’s dark chocolate,
so tasteless,
so raw,
so strong,

That is love,
but bitter
when it empties you.

take it easy and eat pizza


Hello hello!

I was able to get out of the house today even if it was only to go shopping for the essentials at Costco and to have lunch while following CDC guidelines. I cannot wait till the day we don’t have to take these many safety precautions.

On a scale from 1-10 this day deserves a 7. Before heading out to town this morning I had planned to wear this cute beige skirt I bought 2 months ago and it was too tight and didn’t fit. I really triggered my body dysmorphia. I was looking in the mirror, staring at the width of my waist and wondering how much weight I could have gained. Then I asked myself “Am I healthy?” Yes. “Do I look nice and attractive despite possible weight gain just because a skirt is too tight? Yes. I decided that I was not about to let body image become a problem, I don’t need more problems.

My way of saying “Fuck you,” to my past struggles with eating disorders and body dysmorphia was by enjoying my favorite and simple meal: Margherita pizza & wine. Taking a break from exercising all week and eating my favorite meal was very necessary. I win!

In Tucson, AZ , I go to three places for my pizza. Fiamme, North Italia, and Reillys Craft & Pizza. I wanted to sit outside and enjoy the view at La Encantada so North Italia was the choice. Margherita pizza will always be the top pick!

You know what really did hit the spot after this meal? A chocolate ice cream cone for dessert. Although I was feeling stressed about my figure this morning, I realized I spent years scared of food and hating my body when I had no reason to do that. I’m proud of myself for not letting those thoughts take over me by reminding myself that I already won my battle with eating disorders.

Furthermore, I updated the wine list I posted weeks ago. I’ll post the link here if you’re curious or want to pick out a new bottle of wine!

sweet natural body movements for my soul


I woke up emotionally detached and I have been avoiding messages and phone calls from friends. You know that feeling when you’re trapped inside your own thoughts and this desperation takes over you and you decide to isolate yourself from others? Well that has been me in the last couple of days.

I deactivated my Instagram account 2 days ago just to clear out the noise and focus more on myself instead of seeing posts of people thriving in life while I’m feeling stuck. I don’t need that constant reminder. But ok, I have been texting 3 of my closest friends because they know every little thing about me and love me unconditionally.

Today, I’m not only emotionally exhausted but physically too. Rather than staying in bed all day, I have been moving my body in different ways. In the morning I went for a 4 mile power walk (running is off limits right now) and it felt so good. I was listening to music in my patio and my body wanted to move with the sound and rhythm so I spent a few minutes dancing slowly to songs in my “just chill” playlist.

Real talk: I know I have shared posts detailing my improvement with body image and food relationship over the years but I’ve been having my ups and downs with food this week. Since I am not running as much and just weight lifting more, I slowly decreased my food intake in this past week.

An hour before writing this post I was in my living room doing yoga poses for 25 minutes for the reason that I have already mentioned: my body craved this movement and I haven’t practiced yoga in years. Everything physically and emotionally has been completely out of the ordinary. Am I trying to cope with loneliness? anger? frustration? emptiness? YES. It seems as if I am not crying and letting out my emotions then I will feel my body wanting natural movement whether that’s running, walking, dancing, and I guess yoga poses too.

We are living in strange and uncomfortable times, I’m tired of feeling rejection and figuring out my next move in life. I think days of emotional detachment or exhaustion is pretty normal right now. After I finish writing this post, I’m going to make some hot tea and watch tv in the living room with my dogs. I want to end this day feeling somewhat at ease.

If you can relate to this post, comment below if you want or like this!


This is my front yard. Always feel more at peace here.
McKenzie Bridge in Oregon.

Healing wounds – mental health


I know it is mental health awareness month but it can be extremely uncomfortable to get into the details of my own mental health. I have constantly mentioned that my mood swings tend to be all over the place. I first identified my wounds when I struggled with multiple eating disorders. There has always been an emptiness, a feeling of dissatisfaction that has been present inside for as long as I can remember.

I used to fill my void by binge eating/starvation and out of sudden I started experiencing panic attacks in my early 20s that stopped when I went to therapy for a few months. Over the years, I have engaged in toxic behaviors to avoid my own emotions, which explains why I cry so often now instead of suppressing those strong feelings of anger, rage and sadness. Now that I know it is ok to express and feel your emotions, I am on the long process of healing and I’m grateful for the tiny circle of people who support me.

I wanted to pick on narcissism for a bit because this topic stood out to me last night while I was thinking of specific people I dated in the past. I didn’t know what narcissism behavior even looked like until I was head over heals over someone who displayed it. This narcissist would “love bomb” me with compliments and tell me the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard to feel good and then suddenly neglect me. They reached out when they needed something from me and I felt like I had no control over this fling, I felt vulnerable. Once I brought up how wrong and toxic their behavior was I got called “crazy” and that I was the problem and to stop “overreacting”.

When I left this toxic person, they reached a few times to try to win my heart back. Blocking and deleting was the only option. This situation impacted my well being a lot because I will still catch myself saying that I’m the problem in every relationship and that something is deeply wrong with me. I’m trying to get rid of the idea that my mental health is the reason I can’t be in a committed relationship and that I’m not dysfunctional.

Years later, I dated someone else who I thought was too good to be true. She wasn’t cruel to me but she was never transparent and I didn’t understand her real intentions. I was heartbroken at the end, I really wanted everything to work out but she made it impossible. Aside from a few bad dating experiences, I’ve been hurt by certain friendships and one of them leaving me traumatized and disgusted.

No matter what goes on around me, I’m still the one in control and I get to decide how to overcome each heartbreak. I have changed my circle of friends a couple of times and I have slowly been able to have make good boundaries. Making changes in my physical environment has been easy but not what goes on inside my heart and soul.

In fact, accepting my sexuality as a lesbian was one of the first steps I took in my healing process, and I will talk about that more during pride month. It’s a constant struggle to learn how to grow and heal inner wounds. I am determined to go through the healing process that I know will take months or years.

I will end with this: Having best friends that are willing to listen to me vent and show me support and love has helped tremendously. Know that you matter and that you may surround yourself with an amazing support system.

My past research + misogyny


Today my mood has been on the neutral side and my mind full of questions about what the future holds. I was updating my CV and changing a few words on my cover letter this morning and I started asking myself, “Do I just keep applying/waiting for the perfect job? Do I pursue another Master’s degree? Should I apply for a PhD in Italy? Teach English in Italy? The only thing that seemed pretty clear about these questions is that I do not have the answers, I’m a little clueless but I’m glad that I have a list of possibilities.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts concerning misogynistic and patriarchal culture, which reminded me of my grad school work. What most of you know is that my M.A is in Italian Literature but what you don’t know is that my entire research was on medieval misogyny and gender epistemologies. For my M.A research project, I analyzed two female protagonists (Boccaccio’s Decameron & Ovid’s Metamorphoses) who cross-dress and occupy transgendered spaces for survival and to gain power in a male-dominated society. I argued that gender performance and cross-dressing challenges the masculine/feminine gender binary while discussing the representation of female same-sex desire and lesbian invisibility in the classical antiquity.

However, I’m not really diving into the details of my research project even though it was interesting examining medieval literature using feminist philosophy and gender theory. Since we are in 2020, I’m going to talk about a book that really influenced me and gave a better perspective on misogyny in our western culture.

Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne was an assigned text for a seminar course literally titled “Misogyny” and I swear that class brought up intense topics that led to a few ugly arguments. However, this book really made me analyze who are the misogynists, how do we identify misogyny in politics, culture etc. Most importantly, it addresses how patriarchy stands front and center between sexism and misogyny. Here is one of my favorite quotes from her chapter “Discriminating Sexism”.

 “Overall, sexism and misogyny share a common purpose- to maintain or restore a patriarchal order. But sexism purports to merely be being reasonable, misogyny gets nasty and tries to force the issue. Sexism is hence to bad science as misogyny. Sexism wears a lab coat; misogyny goes on witch hunts ”(Manne, 80)

I was extremely confused reading this chapter because how do you even explain this to someone? For me, it came down to the fact that the patriarchal order that misogyny enforces imposes not only obligatory gender roles, but also severe consequences for not abiding by them. I can go on and on about several ways to interpret Manne’s philosophy but that would take several blog posts. I really think it is a challenging but interesting book that I HIGHLY recommend because each chapter covers a different topic concerning well…misogyny.

I have not read any feminist philosophy, gender theory, medieval literature, modern literature or postcolonial literature since I graduated almost a year ago.I really just wrote this out because I knew I would be a little rusty on all the grad school research I compiled in two years and I want to be able to still articulate everything I learned and will continue to learn in the future.

I’m considering to write about my favorite italian renaissance women writers in my next post because I think some of them were very empowering and I need you to know who they are.


Taking control: Body Image + food obsession


I am feeling very emotional today but I am fine, I am okay. I had a weight training session followed by a 3 mile run. I have a long run planned for tomorrow so I am excited about that.

My morning routine is always my usual workout, breakfast with coffee, and sitting in my patio while looking for jobs in Higher Education or Government positions (still no luck). Anyways, this morning I listened to a podcast that featured one of my favorite fitness and health influencers I follow on Instagram (@thesamplan) talking about food obsession + body image. I find it so important to open up about these body image and eating disorder issues to an audience that has overcome those toxic behaviors or struggling to do so.

I started obsessing with food when I was a little girl. There were big things going on in my life at the time and I didn’t know how to express my feelings and food was my only coping mechanism. I was put on a diet a lot as a kid to lose weight and but then gained it back. It was an endless cycle of weight loss and weight gain for me. The adults in my life spoke more about my weight instead asking me about my friends or hobbies I did. I learned to cope with my sadness with food but I also learned that I can only attain beauty if I have a thin body. As a teenager, my body image obsession got worse because I was already thin but I wanted to maintain my figure. I began my cycle of binging, purging, over exercising, starvation, and under eating. I did everything I could to have the body of my dreams but my self destructive ways never got me there.

My eating disorder played the biggest role in my mental health. I kept saying that the only way I will be beautiful and happy is if I were super slim. Even when I lost a lot of weight, I was still unhappy with myself and I still am unhappy (with other things) but I’m trying to work on that. What has helped me the most is not following diets like keto/vegetarian/vegan. The only thing diets ever taught me is to be scared of food because diets tell you what NOT to eat.

Now in the present moment while my eating disorder no longer controls me it does not mean it is still not there. This morning when I was listening to this podcast I was reminded again that even though ED and body dysmorphia does not completely vanish, it is the way we overcome the urge to binge or starve that matters. I have my days when the urge to skip meals or obsess over my image becomes present. The difference now is that I am choosing to be stronger and be the one to have control over those toxic behaviors.

Getting rid of my scale is when I knew I already had more power over my body image and food obsession. I used to need a number to validate who I am as a person and it is so liberating now that I no longer depend on it. What matters is that I am healthy, I exercise and I feel good and that is all the validation I need.

I know that as women we have all been in some complicated relationship with our body and with food. I get it, western culture‘s beauty standards are a bitch. But listen, if we nurture and listen to our bodies then we no longer focus on what is the problem.



The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly


If I have learned anything during this damn pandemic is that there are only about 3 good things in my life that are keeping me sane. 1) Long distance running: I will have complex conversations with myself when I am running to figure stuff out but I also enjoy my workout regime, especially weight lifting cause I can let out all of my rage. 2) Cooking: The two meals I look forward to in the day is my morning breakfast with coffee and my dinner recipe that I learned from my mom or Pinterest. 3) NETFLIX NETFLIX NETFLIX (the obvious) : I have not been watching anything new, but I love rewatching shows I already like as a form of comfort such as Lucifer or Gossip Girl for the 20th time.

If I’m not doing any of the above 3 I’m looking for jobs to apply for and reading emails about the jobs I got rejected from immediately. When I’m not in the mood to search for big girl jobs I’ll sit in my patio for 2 hours listening to music to distract my mind….

I love my friends but they are not the most helpful or interesting human beings to talk to when I’m here dealing with my own midlife crisis at 26 years old!! Here comes the BAD AND THE UGLY. Well 3 years ago I was super thrilled to be going to graduate school thinking I was in the right path to success after getting a Masters degree. The day after graduating with that pointless M.A I went into some post graduation depression because I love LOVE comparing myself to other’s success. I applied for at least 20-30 jobs and I wasn’t lucky at all. You would think being really educated that employers would want you but nope, that’s not the case for people like me, the unlucky one. I started doing volunteer work to distract myself from my disappointment.

I ended up getting a very underpaid job that I needed no education for so that definitely made me sad but I needed to work, right? Applying for PhD programs made it better for me cause at least I had something going for me, RIGHT? No, they all said no. The point is that it is hilarious that I graduated almost a year ago struggling to find a job but I am in the same position again during a Pandemic but this time looking for a new career and not just a temporary job. I had an entire idea of what I thought I would do but life will always have a plan completely opposite from yours. I just hope it is 50 times better than all of this.

The Ugly part is the anger, the sadness, the rage, and the bittersweet emotions that I am feeling constantly in my heart and soul. If you have or have not read my last post, you know or don’t know that I was dating someone who disappointed me more than anyone I ever dated before. As you can see I am not the most happiest woman and I have a major lack of self love and my mood swings are ALL over the place. No matter how upset I am or whatever you wanna call it I am there for someone I love or really really like and I show up for them, always. My struggles have never ever stopped me from showing passion and love towards someone I date but for some reason each person I have dated does find my “well being” troubling because they think they are “perfect”. Anyways, what made this girl the worst of the worst is she pretended to accept my flaws and be honest, and show me kindness but it was all a lie. In fact, she told me I cannot be with anyone cause of my mental health when I personally think you need love in order to start loving yourself each day. That’s just me though.

I didn’t mean to take up so much space talking about my dating life but I think it really summarizes how I have to navigate through so many emotions daily and I do the best I can to show up for people 100% yet someone thought that was not good enough. The pattern I am seeing when I talk about the bad and the ugly in this post is that certain aspects in my life like job rejections, school rejections and someone I’m dating rejecting me has made it very difficult to really love myself, especially now when nothing is going the way I want, which is ironic to say cause I don’t even know what I want. If you are in a similar position as me I really do send all my good energy and love to you and that the universe starts giving you good shit cause this is really a joke right now.

Anyways, I’ll end on this note hoping the universe surprises me with something amazing. My training is going extremely well and my running pace has improved by 30 seconds, I applied for least 12 job positions during the pandemic that I am excited about and it would be amazing if offered one. While rejection keeps happening I still keep trying, and I am just waiting for the day this feeling of rejection & anger fades and I get what I deserve for once.


quarantine times-healing


Each of us are dealing with the pandemic so uniquely and I wanted to talk about how I’m dealing with quarantine times. Feel free to share what you have been up to. The start of 2020 was already pretty rough for me. I mean…I guess in the beginning it was kinda nice cause I was dating this girl I really really liked but that whole thing went to shit quickly, I got heartbroken, I was rejected by each PhD program I applied for, I fell into depression and hit this crisis of “where do I go from here?” and then this PANDEMIC hits and changes everything!

Before the lockdown, I was working as a high school tutor helping students prepare for college and chaperoning field trips, I was attending social gatherings for French and Italian conversation, training for a half marathon (which got cancelled) and talking to a professor to help me plan a way to work abroad in Italy since my plans for the PhD didn’t happen. Due to the pandemic, I had to move back home with my mom cause I lost my job and I could no longer think about doing anything abroad for the year, and I can’t even volunteer right now, which is what I was doing before my job. I feel like the universe fell apart for me but the reality is that everything stopped so that I can reflect and think about what I really want out of life.

What I’m doing now doesn’t feel like much but it is if you consider the fact that we all are facing a crisis and trying to stay safe and healthy. During this time, I have applied for jobs that actually interest me and pay well rather than something I would never like to do. The jobs that I do DESERVE. When I graduated with my M.A I thought the only thing I had going for me was a PhD but now I know there is so much better out there. I’m still training for half marathons and I workout 5/6 times a week (run or strength training). Exercise has always kept me sane and helps even more now. I have plenty of time to reflect and heal my broken heart instead of avoiding that pain. I spend so much time outside in my patio taking pictures of flowers, trees, soaking up the sun and listening to the birds. I bake sweet treats once a week and blog often. My mood swings are all over the place and I cry often but I’m going through the motions and that’s ok.

I miss my friends, I miss going to coffee shops, the wine tastings at vineyards, I miss going out to dance but this quarantine has made me ponder and given me the time to discover my wants, desires, and passions. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk and share.